Sebenarnya den kena UGUT supaya updatekan BLOG den nie..he..he..he…(Jgn mara aaa….) Bzzz sesangat lak semenjak dua menjak nie…. Tgh dok organized Kejohanan Ping Pong syarikat. Idok ler terra main….main yg 'main-main' jerk…. Sekadar memeriahkan keadaan. Tapi dah lama2 main...syok jugak. Well semepana Hari Meningati Kekasih (kononnya)...nak cite kisah cinatan cintun buleh? I'll try to kept it as NON-JIWANG AS POSSIBLE....
Org kata First Love nie sgt mengesankan…. Betui ker? Ramai juga yg mengidamkan their 1st love to be the last…. Kalau bertuah mendapatkannya tak TRILL ler hidup rasanya…. Tak merasa camner perasaan FRUST MENONGGENG…he..he..he… Ada juga yg sudah menetapkan ciri2 gadis idaman mereka cam den dah set nak yg mahu bertudung, putih melepak, soft spoken, lemah lembut, dsb. Tapi kalau dah kuasa tuhan... tak siapa bisa melawan.
Den berkenalan dgn Y pada Malam Puisi anjuran student M'sia di Sheffield Hallam U. Maybe at first I like to look at her face….nak kata cun tak juga but sedap ler mata den pandang. Maka den yg pemalu akhirnya ajak Y amik gambar lepas berakhirnya event mlm tuh. Thus after few days takde apa2 pun berlaku untill after a week after that si Y call bertanyakan pasal gambar kami berdua. We end up bergayut di telefone semalam lebih sejam ari tuh. Seperti ada KIMIA ataupun bahasa saintifiknya CHEMISTRY kami akhirnya bergayut almost everyday for at least 45min.
Bila hatiku dah berkenan…..baru lah kisah2 sebenar Y sampai ke gegendang telinga den. Dari sumber2 SOHIH Y nie rupanya mmg kaki clubbing, agak sosial and to my shocking SMOKING. Den masa tuh mmg sgt2 hijau….tak smoking & mmg tak buleh terima awek2 yg sosial, clubbing apatah lagi yg smoking. But bila dpt tahu kisah Y den terfikir "ini lah kose tuhan...lain yg den idam...the opposite lak yg sangkut.. Maybe tuhan nak den cuba ubah DIA kearah kebaikan tak?" So den pun ckp kat Y yg den dah tahu kehidupan sosial dia camner. Y menegaskan sejahat2 & sesosial2 dia, dia bersumpah tak pernah MINUM. Lega gak skit hati den... So I said to her 'saya takkan cuba merubah awak sbb kalau awak berubah sbb saya, ianya takkan kekal.... Kalau nak berubah, berubah lah utk diri sendiri dan saya cuma jadi pendorong jerk". Dan satu jerk yg den mintak kat dia, is not to SMOKE in front of me. Sbb den ckp 'it is so heart breaking melihat someone you love try to kill herself in front of your eyes right?'.
Sebenarnya si Y nie baru putus cinta semasa den berkenalan dgn dia. Masa dgn Y nie den raso den nie 'CAM BAGUS' laa pulak... Den keluarkan kata2 hikmat yg berbunyi 'buat sesuatu dgn ikhlas....jgn harapkan balasan...' So den ckp ler den tulung dia go thru' the frust menonggeng period as a friend….ikhlas…BUT kalau she falls for me…it kira bonus laa. Masa den kenal Y actually dah hampir2 grad & balik M'sia pun. Thus masa almost 2 months rasanya we all cam a couple (awek & balak) but Y still belum buleh terima diriku ini sebagai her BOYFRIEND. Apa nak buat...dia pun baru lepas keciwa dgn 1st love dia... But yet I still trying & hoping.... Kalau tak keluar berTENET, sengayut berjam2 kat talipon...pelik gak den raso skg....ada lak idea nak borak lelama masa tuh... One time den & kenkawan membuat tour ke Scotland (sewa kete) and one day maybe sbb penat sgt terlupa nak call dia. Next day bila call si Y ckp "Hai...kat Scotland takde talipon ker??"..he..he..he.. Kata tak mengaku den balak dia, den tak talipon sehari jerk dah HANGIN...tah hapa2 kan? Oh ya Y nie suka org lelaki yg pandai main gitar (maybe X dia pandai main gitar kot). Berbekalkan inspirasi tersebut den sempat ler belajar main gitar dgn housemate den kat UK dulu.
Y is 1 year junior, maka sampai masa den kena balik ke tanah air. Bila tiba masa den nak balik M'sia I spend my last night kat UK dirumah Y. Yelah…kat UK mana ada Pegawai Pencegah Maksiat segala kan…Den nie pun bukan ler alim sgt…he..he..he… But I am not so proud of my self okey. That night we cuddled sampai macam tak nak let go each other. But den rasa den benar2 dah Fall In Love sbb kalau semata2 kerana nafsu...dah rosak den nie rasanya... Antara kata2 terakhir Y :
i. Kalau ada sesiapa tanya awak ada girlfriend tak kat UK, awak cakap ada
ii. Kalau awak stay lagi one year (kat UK), maybe kita buleh jadi (official couple)
Sebelum berpisah dia bagi den sekeping kad, sejambak bunga & 2 pick gitar. Paling best sendiwara kat station bus (kena naik bas dari Sheffield hingga ke Manchester International Airport) Naik2 bus jerk den pun toleh kearah dia….tapi…aik..dah hilang. Kenkawan den ckp sejurus den naik bas jerk, bas tak sempat bergerak lagi si Y dah berlari ke toilet....menangis puas2. Den mmg sedih ler tinggalkan dia but gumbira sgt masa tuh sbb terbukti yg den nie sgt berkesan dihati dia. Dari sampai airport sampai nak bording, tiap kali ada payfhone & pasti den akan call dia. Best sgt sore dia...cam manja2 sbb Y baru lepas nangis...he..he...he..
Teringat lagi 1st day sampai M'sia ptg tuh den cuba kumpul seberapa banyak duit syiling especially RM1 and for the 1st time call her from M'sia mlm tuh jugak. Mak oii cepatnya duit syiling kena telan.... Lepas keje still call her every month (pakai fhone rumah mak - tapi bayar sendiri ler) dlm 1/2 jam setiap kali. Cecah RM3 ~4 ratus jugak..tapi sayang punya pasal. Y selalup kirim sekarton rokok dari M'sia & den poskan sbb tak nak dia habiskan duit biasiswa beli rokok yg mahal kat sana biarpun den tak suka dia hisap rokok... tah hapa2 den nie kan? Masa nie ler den start blajar hisap rokok....lekat sampai sekarang. But den tak pernah ckp yg Y menyebabkan den menghisap rokok sbb it is my own choice.
Lama2 rasanya perasaan dia semakin jauh... Call pun cam 1/2 jam tuh lama sangat macam takde benda nak dibualkan. After dia balik M'sia still keep in touch dgn dia. Sbb den pernah ckp dgn dia, biarpun hati dia tak dpt terima den, kalau if anything yg den buleh tolong as a friend, do call me. Balik M'sia dia bercinta but bila break-up & frust dia akan cari den. Masa tuh den tatap tolong dia jugak....still mengharap tapi den dah rasakan she & I has grow and become other people. Ada satu hari Valentines Day (VD) tahun bila dok tgh ronda2 dgn dia kat KL, tetiba dia ajak gi kat Menara KL. Saja tanya2 kalau ada seat available kat Restoran Berputar Menara KL...biasa laa slalu mmg full masa VD...tapi mmg dah rezeki ada last minute cancellation. Maka ghaib ler duitku RM200 mlm tuh.
Till now we are both married, in fact den attend her wedding (with my wife & daughter) as a friend. Banyak juga melabur tapi den tak menyesal sedikit pun sbb Y banyak mengajar dan dah menjadi salah satu warna dlm hidup den.
Org kata First Love nie sgt mengesankan…. Betui ker? Ramai juga yg mengidamkan their 1st love to be the last…. Kalau bertuah mendapatkannya tak TRILL ler hidup rasanya…. Tak merasa camner perasaan FRUST MENONGGENG…he..he..he… Ada juga yg sudah menetapkan ciri2 gadis idaman mereka cam den dah set nak yg mahu bertudung, putih melepak, soft spoken, lemah lembut, dsb. Tapi kalau dah kuasa tuhan... tak siapa bisa melawan.
Den berkenalan dgn Y pada Malam Puisi anjuran student M'sia di Sheffield Hallam U. Maybe at first I like to look at her face….nak kata cun tak juga but sedap ler mata den pandang. Maka den yg pemalu akhirnya ajak Y amik gambar lepas berakhirnya event mlm tuh. Thus after few days takde apa2 pun berlaku untill after a week after that si Y call bertanyakan pasal gambar kami berdua. We end up bergayut di telefone semalam lebih sejam ari tuh. Seperti ada KIMIA ataupun bahasa saintifiknya CHEMISTRY kami akhirnya bergayut almost everyday for at least 45min.
Bila hatiku dah berkenan…..baru lah kisah2 sebenar Y sampai ke gegendang telinga den. Dari sumber2 SOHIH Y nie rupanya mmg kaki clubbing, agak sosial and to my shocking SMOKING. Den masa tuh mmg sgt2 hijau….tak smoking & mmg tak buleh terima awek2 yg sosial, clubbing apatah lagi yg smoking. But bila dpt tahu kisah Y den terfikir "ini lah kose tuhan...lain yg den idam...the opposite lak yg sangkut.. Maybe tuhan nak den cuba ubah DIA kearah kebaikan tak?" So den pun ckp kat Y yg den dah tahu kehidupan sosial dia camner. Y menegaskan sejahat2 & sesosial2 dia, dia bersumpah tak pernah MINUM. Lega gak skit hati den... So I said to her 'saya takkan cuba merubah awak sbb kalau awak berubah sbb saya, ianya takkan kekal.... Kalau nak berubah, berubah lah utk diri sendiri dan saya cuma jadi pendorong jerk". Dan satu jerk yg den mintak kat dia, is not to SMOKE in front of me. Sbb den ckp 'it is so heart breaking melihat someone you love try to kill herself in front of your eyes right?'.
Sebenarnya si Y nie baru putus cinta semasa den berkenalan dgn dia. Masa dgn Y nie den raso den nie 'CAM BAGUS' laa pulak... Den keluarkan kata2 hikmat yg berbunyi 'buat sesuatu dgn ikhlas....jgn harapkan balasan...' So den ckp ler den tulung dia go thru' the frust menonggeng period as a friend….ikhlas…BUT kalau she falls for me…it kira bonus laa. Masa den kenal Y actually dah hampir2 grad & balik M'sia pun. Thus masa almost 2 months rasanya we all cam a couple (awek & balak) but Y still belum buleh terima diriku ini sebagai her BOYFRIEND. Apa nak buat...dia pun baru lepas keciwa dgn 1st love dia... But yet I still trying & hoping.... Kalau tak keluar berTENET, sengayut berjam2 kat talipon...pelik gak den raso skg....ada lak idea nak borak lelama masa tuh... One time den & kenkawan membuat tour ke Scotland (sewa kete) and one day maybe sbb penat sgt terlupa nak call dia. Next day bila call si Y ckp "Hai...kat Scotland takde talipon ker??"..he..he..he.. Kata tak mengaku den balak dia, den tak talipon sehari jerk dah HANGIN...tah hapa2 kan? Oh ya Y nie suka org lelaki yg pandai main gitar (maybe X dia pandai main gitar kot). Berbekalkan inspirasi tersebut den sempat ler belajar main gitar dgn housemate den kat UK dulu.
Y is 1 year junior, maka sampai masa den kena balik ke tanah air. Bila tiba masa den nak balik M'sia I spend my last night kat UK dirumah Y. Yelah…kat UK mana ada Pegawai Pencegah Maksiat segala kan…Den nie pun bukan ler alim sgt…he..he..he… But I am not so proud of my self okey. That night we cuddled sampai macam tak nak let go each other. But den rasa den benar2 dah Fall In Love sbb kalau semata2 kerana nafsu...dah rosak den nie rasanya... Antara kata2 terakhir Y :i. Kalau ada sesiapa tanya awak ada girlfriend tak kat UK, awak cakap ada
ii. Kalau awak stay lagi one year (kat UK), maybe kita buleh jadi (official couple)
Sebelum berpisah dia bagi den sekeping kad, sejambak bunga & 2 pick gitar. Paling best sendiwara kat station bus (kena naik bas dari Sheffield hingga ke Manchester International Airport) Naik2 bus jerk den pun toleh kearah dia….tapi…aik..dah hilang. Kenkawan den ckp sejurus den naik bas jerk, bas tak sempat bergerak lagi si Y dah berlari ke toilet....menangis puas2. Den mmg sedih ler tinggalkan dia but gumbira sgt masa tuh sbb terbukti yg den nie sgt berkesan dihati dia. Dari sampai airport sampai nak bording, tiap kali ada payfhone & pasti den akan call dia. Best sgt sore dia...cam manja2 sbb Y baru lepas nangis...he..he...he..
Teringat lagi 1st day sampai M'sia ptg tuh den cuba kumpul seberapa banyak duit syiling especially RM1 and for the 1st time call her from M'sia mlm tuh jugak. Mak oii cepatnya duit syiling kena telan.... Lepas keje still call her every month (pakai fhone rumah mak - tapi bayar sendiri ler) dlm 1/2 jam setiap kali. Cecah RM3 ~4 ratus jugak..tapi sayang punya pasal. Y selalup kirim sekarton rokok dari M'sia & den poskan sbb tak nak dia habiskan duit biasiswa beli rokok yg mahal kat sana biarpun den tak suka dia hisap rokok... tah hapa2 den nie kan? Masa nie ler den start blajar hisap rokok....lekat sampai sekarang. But den tak pernah ckp yg Y menyebabkan den menghisap rokok sbb it is my own choice.
Lama2 rasanya perasaan dia semakin jauh... Call pun cam 1/2 jam tuh lama sangat macam takde benda nak dibualkan. After dia balik M'sia still keep in touch dgn dia. Sbb den pernah ckp dgn dia, biarpun hati dia tak dpt terima den, kalau if anything yg den buleh tolong as a friend, do call me. Balik M'sia dia bercinta but bila break-up & frust dia akan cari den. Masa tuh den tatap tolong dia jugak....still mengharap tapi den dah rasakan she & I has grow and become other people. Ada satu hari Valentines Day (VD) tahun bila dok tgh ronda2 dgn dia kat KL, tetiba dia ajak gi kat Menara KL. Saja tanya2 kalau ada seat available kat Restoran Berputar Menara KL...biasa laa slalu mmg full masa VD...tapi mmg dah rezeki ada last minute cancellation. Maka ghaib ler duitku RM200 mlm tuh.
Till now we are both married, in fact den attend her wedding (with my wife & daughter) as a friend. Banyak juga melabur tapi den tak menyesal sedikit pun sbb Y banyak mengajar dan dah menjadi salah satu warna dlm hidup den.
posted by NBK466 @ 3:23 PM
8 Comments:
At 12:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
1st, kak CN nak tabik springgggg dulu kat TS....cam tu lah...
muah muah muahhhhhh.....
2nd, kak CN nak gelak dan golek sat...he he he ....cayalah TS..calit sikit... entry hari ini kisah love story yg tak kesampaian lagi. Sedih sgt kak CN, bila baca tuh..sob..sob..sob..
3rd, Hidup tanpa cinta ni ibarat masakan tak cukup adunan, tawar dan hambar kan...kan....
At 3:08 PM,
NBK466 said…
TK.CN sudi baca kisah kuno saya yg panjang & tah hapa2 tuh.
Mmg frust menonggeng dibuatnya tapi tak pernah dendam Y sbb dia tak pernah cuba menipu hati saya & dirinya sendiri. At least she & I try ourself to love each ohter but we failed....
At 9:44 AM,
aNIe said…
Amboi ...beruntungnya first love dpt jadi kawan sekarang...
Mcm kak lady ..first love sekarang jadi jiran dpn umah mertua...ayoyo...terseksa buat beberapa tahun hingga lah dia berpindah rumah sendiri selepas dia kawin....
Tapi itu semua warna-warna kehidupan & Y telah memberi warna2 ceria ketika hadirnya disisi NBK...hehehhe.....
At 11:56 AM,
NBK466 said…
Tah ler K.Lady...saya nie akan cuba berkawan dgn semua awek2 biarpun yg pernah KECIWAkan hatiku. Sbb saya tak nak jadi LELAKI yg cuma buat baik pada sesorang perempuan semata2 nakkan hatinya... ITU LA PASAL...
At 2:51 PM,
CmaNis said…
he..he....cinta kunun. Apapun semua orang pasti melaluinya. Yang pasti critanya sudah tentu berbeza.
Ada suka maupun duka.....yang mana semuanya itu mendewasakan kita. Hidup tanpa cinta ibarat masakan tak cukup adunan bak kata kak CN. Tak gitu.....
At 12:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
First love mmg. tak dapat dilupakan sampai bila2 pun.
p/s ada kenangan yang manis dan pahit..walau macamana sekalipun jodoh sudah ditentukan olehNya..yang baik hanyalah utk. yg baik...bersyukur.Aminnnn
At 3:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Terjumpa pulak blog awak. Saya pun pernah tulis pasal awak. Dah lama saya simpan. It was never intended to be sent to you. Bila baca balik, saya rasa macam apa yang saya tulis tu rather self-absorbed, hehehehe... But I guess I am one. Bila jumpa blog awak ni, saya rasa macam nak post pulak. So here it goes...
A LETTER TO SAHRUL
Dear Sahrul,
I woke up this morning realising that this is July, this is your birthday month. Yes, I remember. I cannot recall the actual date. But I remember you. I don’t know if it matters to you, but it does to me, I remember you.
I remember the photo you took during that Malam Puisi 1997 in Sheffield. For some reason I look extraordinarily fair and pretty in that picture :-). It had to be the lighting, the stage make-up and the costume.
I don’t remember telling you how I felt about the photo, so I’m telling you now, I don’t do justice to the photo. It was misleading, very misleading, I was not that pretty. I am not a pretty girl.
And I remember your first telephone call, when you insisted in sending the rest of the photos personally, to my house.
I remember feeling weird about it. I remember thinking; why were you being so nice? I remember thinking; I could get it myself from you. I remember thinking; we could meet at the Student Union of something.
I didn’t even know who you were. My roommates said you were a senior, an engineering student, that was all I knew. I remember thinking that it didn’t matter, I just wanted my photos.
I remember you had lots and lots of photos with me in them, dancing, reading poetry, acting, walking, talking, laughing, fixing my costume.
I remember you told me you saw me outside the hall smoking my life away in that hand-shivering, nose-watering, ears-freezing, legs-shaking, back-breaking Sheffield January breeze. I remember I told you I was thinking about him.
He who broke my heart into tiny pieces. He who lifted me up to the clouds for the first time in my life and left me there to find my own way back to the ground. He who left me with this permanent pool of water inside my forehead right above my eyes, ready to spill even when what I did was merely breathing in and out.
I remember feeling so down outside the hall that night. But I don’t remember even noticing a glance of you or your flashing camera. I don’t remember that. I remember feeling weird about that too.
I remember the way you laugh, mostly to yourself, the way you stutter, the way your hands went in and out of the pockets of your jacket when you were trying to find the right words to say to me.
I remember the way you keep looking at everything else but at me whenever we talked.
I remember the way it felt when your eyes were fixed at me when I was not looking.
I remember the way your body turned stiff whenever you were close to me.
I remember the way you tried to cover it all by cracking some not so funny jokes, most of them I didn’t get, but I remember I gave out a chuckle anyway, just to help you calm your nerves.
I remember thinking that I had no feelings for you. I remember thinking how to tell you that.
I remember thinking that you could nurse my broken heart. I remember saying to myself, never again can I find a guy who would adore me the way you did.
I remember telling myself to give you a shot. I remember coming up with a theory that a woman can easily fall for a man if he is nice enough to her.
I remember going out with you, on weekends, after school, to the bookstores, to the shops, to the parks, to the car-boot markets.
I remember seeing the daffodils blooming everywhere I turned that spring. I remember the smell of your perfume.
I remember the smell of the food you cooked for me. I remember the disastrous corn pudding I cooked for you. I remember that you finished it anyway.
I remember holding your hands and searching for that heart-jerking electric feeling that gave me a shudder and left me exhausted and weak just like it felt whenever I hold his hand. I remember it wasn’t there.
I remember hugging you and searching for that feeling that this was my home and the rest of the world didn’t matter it could tumble and turn to ashes for all I cared just like it felt when I hugged him. I remember that wasn’t there either.
I remember I tried to love you. I remember knowing that never again will I find a man like you.
I remember telling myself that keeping you around would be wrong. I remember telling myself that letting you go would be right.
I remember making the worst right decision of my life.
I remember you told me you loved me. I remember I told you I couldn’t love you. I remember you crying. I remember myself crying.
I remember you kissing my forehead at that bus station that summer. I remember I cried for a long time at that dirty sidewalk at that bus station. I remember I cried mostly for myself.
I remember that feeling. I remember feeling that I was losing you.
I remember asking myself if knew for sure I didn’t want to be with you, why was it so heartbreaking when I knew I was losing you.
I remember people passing by looking at me, sitting there, crying and smoking. I remember I didn’t care.
I remember you Sahrul.
I remember every painstaking detail about you and about how I felt.
It has been nearly ten years, but I still remember.
If there is such thing that I love you but not the way you love me, that is what I feel for you.
All those time in Sheffield, now and forever will I love you that way.
I don’t care if you don’t have that feeling for me anymore. I don’t care if I have lost you for sure. I surely deserve it.
I remember you made me happy at the most crucial point of my life. And I love you that way for that.
Happy Birthday to you.
-Y-
10/7/2006
At 1:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
My Friend Y,
You should be a god damn writer. Stop wasting my time and yours, WRITE!!!!
p/s: Hi Gaban, I remember you too!
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